Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Let's end it

I haven't been writing for a long time in this blog. When I started it, it was full of hopes and wishes. I wanted to be with him and only with him. Lying to myself that this writing was kind of a therapy, it was more like a try to keep my memory of him.

Three years since my last post things changed. I know that he likes me, I know that he has things which are more important than me. Work. Work. And games. We missed chances, we could have been together.
Though I tried to convince him that we could make it, yesterday he slammed that open door in front of my face.

"Would you mind if I marry another guy?", I asked in my last desperate try to reach out for him and maybe happiness.

"I wouldn't mind" 

A punch in the face, but the straight answer I needed for all this years. It's been eight years. 

In shock I told him farewell and thanked him for all these years. Deleted things which reminded me of him but can't erase the memories. 

It's been just yesterday since this text but I already long for a shoulder to cry on. A best friend. A best male friend. Unfortunately over the years, this position was also taken by him.

I miss you.
It feels right, but it hurts so badly. I lost a dream, an almost lover and a best friend. 

I love you.

Take care.

Thank you for reading. I'm looking forward to read this blog in ten years. Not in tears but with a melancholy smile.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A touch of melancholy

It's been a while. A lot happened. And I know that I will one day finish this blog. But right now, I feel like writing. I don't care if someone reads this or if it is hanging in the internet for years. I just want to get this out of my head... or heart.

Sometimes melancholy surrounds me. It happens suddenly. Today it happened while I was riding an escalator. Yeah, big thing! Well, every time I'm on an escalator, I'm thinking of the special scene in the movie "Cruel Intentions". The future of two lovers seems to be lost. The girl is about to leave, taking an escalator and then... she looks up to the end of it. He is there! Her love! It's nothing big, it's not even a romantic place, but it's a lovely scene which is full of hope.

Awwwwwwww (copyright by Cruel Intentions, probably Warner Bros or so)

Well, like I said, I rode this escalator and suddenly imagined Hiro would stand at the end of it. To underline this shocking thought, my head started to play "Colorblind" by "Counting Crows". Nice outplaying.

Yep, this is how I ended up here. Writing nonsense. I've been pulled back by the past and it feels like I've lost my colors of life back then. My childhood was colorful, grammar school was dark grey, he pulled me out of this grey and gave me my colors back and now?

I should be happy, maybe I am. But sometimes it feels like I am just continuing living. The fact that he is an important part of my past was already accepted by my head. I know he will always be this part of me.

But I could not stop myself from thinking: "What if there are other dimensions?" (First escalator philosophy and now dimensions?!?!). It sounds weird. But wouldn't it be nice to know that in another dimension I chose him? I chose being with him, even if it didn't work out. Thinking of another me who had the chance to experience a "together" makes me feel fine. 

I'm fine. And I always be. 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

I'm so sorry

“You know, I’m really happy for you that you’ve found Yuichi. But I feel sorry for Hiro. You always told him, you would choose him. In the end you chose Yuichi.” Kate’s words were hitting me like a huge and heavy rock. We were sitting in the cafeteria and talking about the summer. Call me stupid, but I didn’t recognize it before. In fact I was self-centered like the sun. It was always: I am the victim! He hadn’t time! Boohoo! Finished!

But Kate was right. So right that it hurt. That’s why I still can hear her words echoing in my head.  After this conversation I felt bad and I felt like I should do something against this bad feelings and something good for Hiro. But what?  Maybe I should apologize. Good idea! But how? Sending a flowers with a card which says „Sorry that I didn’t keep my promise”, wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe it would work with a giant teddy bear? Or I should think of something else. I kept the teddy bear thing as backup plan.  

It was during late Winter or early spring when I decided to finally chat with Hiro about my bad feelings. I apologized for my harsh words and that I didn’t choose him though I told him before I would always choose him. After that I expected swears, angry answers or something like this from him. But I was wrong. Hiro answered calmly: “Don’t hate yourself because of this. I don’t hate you, so there’s no need to hate yourself. And we can meet again, right?” My heart did a one-person-party in my chest. Hey, actually it shouldn’t do a party! At this time I was still together with Yuichi.

A circumstance, which changed some months later, when I broke up with him. Though this fact sounds like I was just about to change my underwear, to be honest, it was one of the hardest and saddest things in my life. But sometimes people have to make decisions to protect themselves. Nevertheless I found myself in a black hole filled with nothing. Wait- there was something. A tiny little shine. It was a little bit dirty and old but it gave me hope. This little shine resembled the feelings which I had for Hiro. They were always there. Even if they got smaller during the time I’ve been with Yuichi, but they were always there.

I took this little shine of light and hugged it, polished it and the light became slowly stronger, warmer and beautiful. How did I ignored this light? These feelings…

 Actually the whole thing was kind of ironic. One week before breaking up, Hiro even wrote me: “This girl is so cute, I have to date her” and showed me photo of me. He was there. All the time. Weakened from crying, weakened from all the sorrow, my fingers ran over the keyboard and wrote him after the break up. “I want to meet you. I so want to meet you! Let’s meet!“ I didn’t expect a fast answer but there it was: „Of course! Tell me when you are coming.”

So nothing had changed? Everything the same? Meeting for one night and then nothing? Maybe two nights? What a lame story! Well, actually some things had changed: Hiro and I. Hiro got more mature and trusts me more. He offered me to work with him on a project , writes more often, knows that I have certain skills. I also recognized that I’ve changed. I started fighting for him because, to be honest, what have I done so far? Whining and chatting? Big deal! With these things I maybe can become a politician but I can’t win Hiro’s heart!

I have certain plans in my head and I’m really thinking they can work out. Lately we’re chatting a lot, playing games together (online) and he also wants to contact me more often by his mobile phone (good boy!). So I’m packing my stuff and go to Japan one more time. Primarily not for him because I’m not so stupid (really!! Unbelievable, I know). But I’m going to meet him. I’m going to settle things straight and I’m going my own way. Though I hope I can share this way with him someday.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Mr. Glasses

I wanted to live along the lyrics of the song “Love forever” from Miliyah Kato: “Kimi ni deatte yokatta, setsunai keredo yokotta.” (I’m happy that I’ve met you. It hurts but I’m happy.).  Being happy with what happened and enjoying the here and now. I also didn’t contact Hiro (aww, I’m such a good girl!). But unfortunately he contacted me (Aww, he’s such a good boy!). 

I didn’t know the reason why he wrote me. It’s not like I got a photo of the ocean which we visited in 2010 as my profile picture for skype. I would never do it. In fact, someone else must have misused my account. Yes! Sounds great, now I have to try to believe my own lie. Well, couldn’t be helped! Now he wrote me because of this photo and called the bonded memories beautiful. Okay, it would have been a shame if I didn’t answer. At least we were friends, or something like this. I wanted to know if he became a racer (like he wanted to become. I didn’t mention it before? Guess, why. Yes, I always thought it would be a strange (stupid, stuppiiiid, really stupid) idea.). He replied really sad: “It was impossible for me. My eyes got pretty bad.”

My friend-mode switched into worried-mommy-mode: „ARE YOU OKAY?” Well, he seemed okay but he has to wear glasses now. Glasses! I couldn’t imagine his cool face with glasses. There were only two possibilities:

1. He looks like a good-looking nerd now.
2. He looks even more sexy now. 

Ahh, I guess I can’t fool anyone. To be honest: I would even think he’s totally good-looking even if he has three eyes, 4 arms (actually pretty convenient) and even if he has the care-bear power!  I felt the urge to see how he looks like now. 

Still so sexy!

I: “Send me a photo of you with glasses!”
Hiro: “Nooo!”
I: “Oh, come on!”
Hiro: “No! It’s embarrassing!“ (Such a pussy! Well done, Hello Kitty carpet from his home! You did a good job in destroying his manliness!)

I needed to come up with a plan. He had to recognize that I wouldn’t laugh and that it’s not embarrassing. Hmm, maybe…. Ha! I would do a little photostory! I photographed myself with fake glasses and titled the photo “Glasses are not bad”. Then I took an old photo of Hiro and put pretty glasses (“You look good with these!”) on his pretty face. After that I took carnival glasses and photoshopped them on his pretty face (“Even with these you look good”). I finished with a begging pose of myself, saying “Pleeaaa~~~se”. 

He even looks good with these!

A few days after creating this masterpiece, I’ve sent it to him! Of course he laughed about it! It worked! Hiro would send me a photo of himself now! Right?! Right?!

I: “Can I get a photo now?”
Hiro: “Nope. Hehehe“
I: “I don’t give up!”
Hiro: “You like glasses so much?” (Yes! All kind of glasses! Window glasses! Uhh, sexy window glasses! Give me glasses and I’m happy… of course not, baka! I just want to see you!)
I: “I want to see your face with glasses!”
Hiro: “I want to see a nude photo of you!” (Argh! I thought this was over! )
I: “Nude photos for photos with glasses?! UNFAIR!“
Hiro: “Fair!“
I: “Nude photos are for the boyfriend only!“
Hiro: “I am your boyfriend, right?“ (Uh? Did I enter a parallel universe? Or did I say “yes” again to something which I didn’t understand?)
I: “Since when?“

Hiro: “Since always!“
I laughed. He was so cute! Some days after this talk, I actually received a photo with glasses and a photo without glasses. Like I predicted: He looked stunning handsome! I slipped from my chair and my slip hit the wall of China. I’m sorry for this! 

Though I ignored my moral standards a lot of times in Japan (country of lowering everyone’s moral standards!), I followed my path this time. I didn’t send him nude photos. He got something else instead, but only he knows what it was.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

We have a chance

The time passed by really fast and Yuichi wanted to have an answer. Damn it! I had to do something. Though I couldn’t confess my feelings to Hiro in person, I still could message him. It was really, really not the best way, but still better than nothing.

I started to write. “Hiro. There are sometimes men who want to be with me. Usually I turn them down because I only can see you in my mind. This time it’s different. There’s a guy who I like. Of course he’s not so handsome, funny and great as you (<- This was just for the male ego). So I want to know if we have a chance. I always would choose you. I love you.”

I waited for an answer. Minutes, hours. Nothing. Well, okay, no answer is an answer too! But I felt sad. What did I expect? An answer like: „Oh let’s meet! I love you too but I was too shy to tell you!“

I sighed. 

But there is something which I didn’t recognize about Hiro until today. He thinks about things closely and carefully. After thinking and thinking and thinking (yawn) aannnd of course thinking, I got a message one day later: „You like me and you want to meet me that’s why the confession of this boy is confusing you? We have a chance! But, you know that I don’t have so many time. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you, I just wanted to tell you. Furthermore there are two more problems: communication and the distance. But like I said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to date you. I would put effort in it.”

My heart skipped a beat again! “Are you sure?”, I wanted to know. A short but serious “of course” was his answer. Yes! There would be a happy end! He likes me too. Somehow. We would be together. Somehow. And become happy together! Yes! Finally! So I should go over to him immediately. Right. We could do it!

Though there was this mail; though we could have had it all, in the end we couldn’t meet each other. One reason was Yuichi. Without telling me, he bought a ticket to Tokyo and visited me. This “let’s decide fast”-Japanese guy definitely wanted to have an answer. And well, if someone is lying ON you (not metaphorically, but in a dressed way!) it is difficult to say “no”. Plus: I’ve seen all the strength he put into our soon-to-be-relationship. To sum it up: I got a boyfriend and but it wasn’t the shoulder touching host from 2009. So much about planning the future.
Yuichi and I spent a lovely weekend together and became a couple for 10 months. I’m still really thankful to him because he turned me into a strong woman. But okay, let’s come back to the Hiro story, because it isn’t over yet!

I had to tell Hiro that he couldn’t meet me during this summer holidays anymore.
Hiro: „Why can’t we meet this time?“
I: “I’m returning home soon.” (This was really one of the reasons.)
Hiro: “Eh?! When?!?!”
I: “In 4 days.”
Hiro: „But we could meet one time until then!“
I: “No.” (I couldn’t tell him directly. How can you tell someone who you still love so much, you can’t be with him?! That you chose another guy?!)
Hiro: “How about Monday? Aren’t you free there?“
I: „Hiro, I can’t meet you anymore because I’m with someone else now.“ (Oh god, I said it!)
Hiro: “I understand. You got together with him. So I’m not allowed to meet you?“ (Hirrroo!!! Meet me! Marry me!)

There might have been a little fight like “You didn’t have time!” „Blablablaa!“. “Now someone else is touching your shoulder”, “You didn’t like me because I didn’t have a palm in my hair”… or something like this. Well, but somehow my heart didn’t want to give up. I mailed him one day after this “fight” a photo of his presents which I wanted to give him actually. “I’m happy. Thank you!”, returned. I guess it was just politeness. 

"I'm happy. Thank you."

Hiro was past. Yuichi was meant to be my future. It seemed like the only good decision and I should be happy. I returned home with a Japanese boyfriend in my life. He should be my one and only. But it was hard. I struggled the first months because I couldn’t get the “hey, I have a boyfriend”-feeling. To make it worse: I still had more feelings for Hiro. I knew that Yuichi and I had around two or three fights in the beginning of the relationship. Moreover I remember that I hoped he would just break up with me. He didn’t. Some part in me believed that I could have a good future with Yuichi. The other part wanted to meet Hiro again. It was frustrating.
Okay, next plan: Ignore Hiro! Well, this plan wasn’t really successful because as soon as I put a photo of my boyfriend and me on Skype, the good old Hiro wrote me. 

Hiro: “This is your boyfriend…? Somehow it’s a shock!”
I: “It wasn’t so easy. Like I said, I loved you.“
Hiro: “I thought he would be more handsome.“ (Oh?! Mr. Jealousy appeared!)
I: “Is this your problem now?!?!?! He is really lovely and wants to come here! Furthermore he fought for me! But you, you were just busy all the time! You did nothing! You didn’t have any space left in your life for me! You just love your car!” (Wow! Hard to beat! Muahaha! Take this!!)
Hiro: In my life, I just have 20% space for women. I live by myself most of the time. But I wanted to change this for you. But we couldn’t meet and you had a lot of plans.” (Damn it! This sounded kinda sweet!)
I: “My plan was to meet you! But it was impossible! I’ve cried! I thought you didn’t want to meet me!“
Hiro: “This is not true. If you have time, wouldn’t you like to meet me?“
I: “I want to meet you.” (Fuck… so much for ignoring.)

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The love-maze

During the summer of 2011, Hiro moved to Yokohama. This was actually pretty good because it’s really close to Tokyo. In my mind I was already at his apartment…. Every day! Every hour! Daydreams can be so great!

Finally in August I was going to Japan again! Wohoo! This time some of my male friends accompanied me. It was an “interesting” experience. Let’s call it this way.  Right after the airplane landed on Japanese ground, I received a message from Hiro: “I hope you had a nice flight! I’m looking forward to meet you!”  Happy! Again he was the first one who was writing me a message in Japan! Yes! This is love! Let’s get married. NOW! Though we had a good start, it didn’t turn out well.

Okay, actually things changed badly. Of course we mailed a lot of times but Hiro seemed to be busy with his work. In addition his company paid him the apartment in which he was living and this apartment had a “don’t let anyone stay over”-rule. This meant:  No sexy time in Yokohama. Instead of it, the only possibility was a love hotel. I actually thought we were making progress but back to the love hotel was a huge step back.  I started to question things: Was it really only physically? Was I imagining all the other things? I didn’t have the answer to these questions.

That’s why I mailed him sadly: “I wished it could be like last year with the sea and the lighting house. It was so beautiful.” He answered: “It really was. I wished it could be like last year but I guess it won’t be.“ Nice. I felt really sad about it. Sightseeing with my friends didn’t help. Actually I felt pretty annoyed by them and decided to visit a Japanese friend when we stayed in Nara. ALONE. 

I knew this friend from the internet and we didn’t meet in person before. But I thought it would be nice to meet new people. In a public place. Where a lot of people are! Because I would never do something stupid… ha…ha… right?

Well, I really enjoyed the time with my friend whose name is Yuichi. He showed me some places in Nara and we talked about the current economic situation (Really. Like… Really!). Yes, in total it was a strange date. A date? Wait – it was just a meeting of two friends, right? Except the fact that he was holding my hand and telling me he likes me very much, it was just a meeting, right?
To be honest, something inside me was changed by him. He gave me all the things which I needed from Hiro. We had such great conversations about a lot of stuff and I told him things which I don’t tell strangers normally. The day turned into night and I started crying while we were sitting in the dark. “You confuse me so much”, was the only thing I could say over and over again. He pointed out again and again that he wants to be my boyfriend. He would come to my home country. He would do everything for me. Promises – yeah, maybe they wouldn’t be true but they sounded so sweet. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered “Thank you”.  Such a cute me! But suddenly he put his tongue in my mouth. WRONG TURN! WRONG TURN! What was about to happen?!

source: Hazuki Kanae's "Ai no Koe", edited by me

Well, the “what happened”-part is a dark secret. Let’s just say that I told him “I need time to think”. Actually for me it was more like “I need time to meet Hiro because I have to make sure what I’m feeling when I’m with him!” Maybe this sounds unfair but I didn’t choose this way. I always felt like being pushed into something all over and over again. Now I know that I was just too weak. But hey, life is about learning, right?

One day after this “date”, I received a message from Hiro, totally out of the blue: “Did you have a date yesterday?” I was looking around. Did he see me? No, it was impossible! Did his friends see me? No, it was impossible too! Are we connected? Maybe.

I can’t remember what I was answering to this mail but I guess I’ve played it down. Therefore I tried to meet him. Unfortunately he was really busy. He answered my mails but they always sounded like “Damn I want to meet you, but I can’t.” Well, except one day. He was free to meet me! Wohoo! But I was… not prepared and sulky. Until now I don’t know why, but I canceled the meeting and met other friends (with who I made plans before). 

Dear past-I, I want to kick your ass. Hard and painful. 
Sincerely, the present-I