The love-maze

During the summer of 2011, Hiro moved to Yokohama. This was actually pretty good because it’s really close to Tokyo. In my mind I was already at his apartment…. Every day! Every hour! Daydreams can be so great!

Finally in August I was going to Japan again! Wohoo! This time some of my male friends accompanied me. It was an “interesting” experience. Let’s call it this way.  Right after the airplane landed on Japanese ground, I received a message from Hiro: “I hope you had a nice flight! I’m looking forward to meet you!”  Happy! Again he was the first one who was writing me a message in Japan! Yes! This is love! Let’s get married. NOW! Though we had a good start, it didn’t turn out well.

Okay, actually things changed badly. Of course we mailed a lot of times but Hiro seemed to be busy with his work. In addition his company paid him the apartment in which he was living and this apartment had a “don’t let anyone stay over”-rule. This meant:  No sexy time in Yokohama. Instead of it, the only possibility was a love hotel. I actually thought we were making progress but back to the love hotel was a huge step back.  I started to question things: Was it really only physically? Was I imagining all the other things? I didn’t have the answer to these questions.

That’s why I mailed him sadly: “I wished it could be like last year with the sea and the lighting house. It was so beautiful.” He answered: “It really was. I wished it could be like last year but I guess it won’t be.“ Nice. I felt really sad about it. Sightseeing with my friends didn’t help. Actually I felt pretty annoyed by them and decided to visit a Japanese friend when we stayed in Nara. ALONE. 

I knew this friend from the internet and we didn’t meet in person before. But I thought it would be nice to meet new people. In a public place. Where a lot of people are! Because I would never do something stupid… ha…ha… right?

Well, I really enjoyed the time with my friend whose name is Yuichi. He showed me some places in Nara and we talked about the current economic situation (Really. Like… Really!). Yes, in total it was a strange date. A date? Wait – it was just a meeting of two friends, right? Except the fact that he was holding my hand and telling me he likes me very much, it was just a meeting, right?

To be honest, something inside me was changed by him. He gave me all the things which I needed from Hiro. We had such great conversations about a lot of stuff and I told him things which I don’t tell strangers normally. The day turned into night and I started crying while we were sitting in the dark. “You confuse me so much”, was the only thing I could say over and over again. He pointed out again and again that he wants to be my boyfriend. He would come to my home country. He would do everything for me. Promises – yeah, maybe they wouldn’t be true but they sounded so sweet. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered “Thank you”.  Such a cute me! But suddenly he put his tongue in my mouth. WRONG TURN! WRONG TURN! What was about to happen?!

source: Hazuki Kanae's "Ai no Koe", edited by me

Well, the “what happened”-part is a dark secret. Let’s just say that I told him “I need time to think”. Actually for me it was more like “I need time to meet Hiro because I have to make sure what I’m feeling when I’m with him!” Maybe this sounds unfair but I didn’t choose this way. I always felt like being pushed into something all over and over again. Now I know that I was just too weak. But hey, life is about learning, right?

One day after this “date”, I received a message from Hiro, totally out of the blue: “Did you have a date yesterday?” I was looking around. Did he see me? No, it was impossible! Did his friends see me? No, it was impossible too! Are we connected? Maybe.

I can’t remember what I was answering to this mail but I guess I’ve played it down. Therefore I tried to meet him. Unfortunately he was really busy. He answered my mails but they always sounded like “Damn I want to meet you, but I can’t.” Well, except one day. He was free to meet me! Wohoo! But I was… not prepared and sulky. Until now I don’t know why, but I canceled the meeting and met other friends (with who I made plans before). 

Dear past-I, I want to kick your ass. Hard and painful. 

Sincerely, the present-I