We have a chance

The time passed by really fast and Yuichi wanted to have an answer. Damn it! I had to do something. Though I couldn’t confess my feelings to Hiro in person, I still could message him. It was really, really not the best way, but still better than nothing.

I started to write. “Hiro. There are sometimes men who want to be with me. Usually I turn them down because I only can see you in my mind. This time it’s different. There’s a guy who I like. Of course he’s not so handsome, funny and great as you (<- This was just for the male ego). So I want to know if we have a chance. I always would choose you. I love you.”

I waited for an answer. Minutes, hours. Nothing. Well, okay, no answer is an answer too! But I felt sad. What did I expect? An answer like: „Oh let’s meet! I love you too but I was too shy to tell you!“

I sighed. 

But there is something which I didn’t recognize about Hiro until today. He thinks about things closely and carefully. After thinking and thinking and thinking (yawn) aannnd of course thinking, I got a message one day later: „You like me and you want to meet me that’s why the confession of this boy is confusing you? We have a chance! But, you know that I don’t have so many time. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you, I just wanted to tell you. Furthermore there are two more problems: communication and the distance. But like I said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to date you. I would put effort in it.”

My heart skipped a beat again! “Are you sure?”, I wanted to know. A short but serious “of course” was his answer. Yes! There would be a happy end! He likes me too. Somehow. We would be together. Somehow. And become happy together! Yes! Finally! So I should go over to him immediately. Right. We could do it!

Though there was this mail; though we could have had it all, in the end we couldn’t meet each other. One reason was Yuichi. Without telling me, he bought a ticket to Tokyo and visited me. This “let’s decide fast”-Japanese guy definitely wanted to have an answer. And well, if someone is lying ON you (not metaphorically, but in a dressed way!) it is difficult to say “no”. Plus: I’ve seen all the strength he put into our soon-to-be-relationship. To sum it up: I got a boyfriend and but it wasn’t the shoulder touching host from 2009. So much about planning the future.

Yuichi and I spent a lovely weekend together and became a couple for 10 months. I’m still really thankful to him because he turned me into a strong woman. But okay, let’s come back to the Hiro story, because it isn’t over yet!

I had to tell Hiro that he couldn’t meet me during this summer holidays anymore.

Hiro: „Why can’t we meet this time?“

I: “I’m returning home soon.” (This was really one of the reasons.)

Hiro: “Eh?! When?!?!”

I: “In 4 days.”
Hiro: „But we could meet one time until then!“

I: “No.” (I couldn’t tell him directly. How can you tell someone who you still love so much, you can’t be with him?! That you chose another guy?!)

Hiro: “How about Monday? Aren’t you free there?“

I: „Hiro, I can’t meet you anymore because I’m with someone else now.“ (Oh god, I said it!)

Hiro: “I understand. You got together with him. So I’m not allowed to meet you?“ (Hirrroo!!! Meet me! Marry me!)

There might have been a little fight like “You didn’t have time!” „Blablablaa!“. “Now someone else is touching your shoulder”, “You didn’t like me because I didn’t have a palm in my hair”… or something like this. Well, but somehow my heart didn’t want to give up. I mailed him one day after this “fight” a photo of his presents which I wanted to give him actually. “I’m happy. Thank you!”, returned. I guess it was just politeness. 

"I'm happy. Thank you."

Hiro was past. Yuichi was meant to be my future. It seemed like the only good decision and I should be happy. I returned home with a Japanese boyfriend in my life. He should be my one and only. But it was hard. I struggled the first months because I couldn’t get the “hey, I have a boyfriend”-feeling. To make it worse: I still had more feelings for Hiro. I knew that Yuichi and I had around two or three fights in the beginning of the relationship. Moreover I remember that I hoped he would just break up with me. He didn’t. Some part in me believed that I could have a good future with Yuichi. The other part wanted to meet Hiro again. It was frustrating.

Okay, next plan: Ignore Hiro! Well, this plan wasn’t really successful because as soon as I put a photo of my boyfriend and me on Skype, the good old Hiro wrote me. 

Hiro: “This is your boyfriend…? Somehow it’s a shock!”
I: “It wasn’t so easy. Like I said, I loved you.“
Hiro: “I thought he would be more handsome.“ (Oh?! Mr. Jealousy appeared!)
I: “Is this your problem now?!?!?! He is really lovely and wants to come here! Furthermore he fought for me! But you, you were just busy all the time! You did nothing! You didn’t have any space left in your life for me! You just love your car!” (Wow! Hard to beat! Muahaha! Take this!!)
Hiro: In my life, I just have 20% space for women. I live by myself most of the time. But I wanted to change this for you. But we couldn’t meet and you had a lot of plans.” (Damn it! This sounded kinda sweet!)
I: “My plan was to meet you! But it was impossible! I’ve cried! I thought you didn’t want to meet me!“
Hiro: “This is not true. If you have time, wouldn’t you like to meet me?“
I: “I want to meet you.” (Fuck… so much for ignoring.)