I'm so sorry

“You know, I’m really happy for you that you’ve found Yuichi. But I feel sorry for Hiro. You always told him, you would choose him. In the end you chose Yuichi.” Kate’s words were hitting me like a huge and heavy rock. We were sitting in the cafeteria and talking about the summer. Call me stupid, but I didn’t recognize it before. In fact I was self-centered like the sun. It was always: I am the victim! He hadn’t time! Boohoo! Finished!

But Kate was right. So right that it hurt. That’s why I still can hear her words echoing in my head.  After this conversation I felt bad and I felt like I should do something against this bad feelings and something good for Hiro. But what?  Maybe I should apologize. Good idea! But how? Sending a flowers with a card which says „Sorry that I didn’t keep my promise”, wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe it would work with a giant teddy bear? Or I should think of something else. I kept the teddy bear thing as backup plan.  

It was during late Winter or early spring when I decided to finally chat with Hiro about my bad feelings. I apologized for my harsh words and that I didn’t choose him though I told him before I would always choose him. After that I expected swears, angry answers or something like this from him. But I was wrong. Hiro answered calmly: “Don’t hate yourself because of this. I don’t hate you, so there’s no need to hate yourself. And we can meet again, right?” My heart did a one-person-party in my chest. Hey, actually it shouldn’t do a party! At this time I was still together with Yuichi.

A circumstance, which changed some months later, when I broke up with him. Though this fact sounds like I was just about to change my underwear, to be honest, it was one of the hardest and saddest things in my life. But sometimes people have to make decisions to protect themselves. Nevertheless I found myself in a black hole filled with nothing. Wait- there was something. A tiny little shine. It was a little bit dirty and old but it gave me hope. This little shine resembled the feelings which I had for Hiro. They were always there. Even if they got smaller during the time I’ve been with Yuichi, but they were always there.

I took this little shine of light and hugged it, polished it and the light became slowly stronger, warmer and beautiful. How did I ignored this light? These feelings…

 Actually the whole thing was kind of ironic. One week before breaking up, Hiro even wrote me: “This girl is so cute, I have to date her” and showed me photo of me. He was there. All the time. Weakened from crying, weakened from all the sorrow, my fingers ran over the keyboard and wrote him after the break up. “I want to meet you. I so want to meet you! Let’s meet!“ I didn’t expect a fast answer but there it was: „Of course! Tell me when you are coming.”

So nothing had changed? Everything the same? Meeting for one night and then nothing? Maybe two nights? What a lame story! Well, actually some things had changed: Hiro and I. Hiro got more mature and trusts me more. He offered me to work with him on a project , writes more often, knows that I have certain skills. I also recognized that I’ve changed. I started fighting for him because, to be honest, what have I done so far? Whining and chatting? Big deal! With these things I maybe can become a politician but I can’t win Hiro’s heart!

I have certain plans in my head and I’m really thinking they can work out. Lately we’re chatting a lot, playing games together (online) and he also wants to contact me more often by his mobile phone (good boy!). So I’m packing my stuff and go to Japan one more time. Primarily not for him because I’m not so stupid (really!! Unbelievable, I know). But I’m going to meet him. I’m going to settle things straight and I’m going my own way. Though I hope I can share this way with him someday.